Monday, March 12, 2012

I Should Have Known

I should have known that he really didn't care when he didn't tell me straight away about Dolly Parton being in his building. She's only been my idol since I was 5.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” -Mark Twain


What would I say to her? The other woman. The woman whom I make just as unhappy as she makes me? I would give her a hug. I would say that there was a time I hated her but now I just hate myself for allowing this to be ok. I would tell her that we are both fools. I would tell her that words are not enough. I would say that superficial gestures only go so far. I would try and make her see the hurt in my eyes over how hard it was to finally face the truth.

She wants me to feel as much pain as she does in knowing that I exist and knowing that sometimes I am chosen over her. I want to tell her that I do. That just because I insist on her painting being taken off the wall doesn't mean that I still don't know it is there. That is it there, tucked in the closet, haunting me, taunting me. I want her to know that just as she was promised that it will remain on the wall, I was promised that it won't. And that the reason I don't want to look at it isn't because I don't want to see her, it is because I was once offered it to take home and that my anger over that betrayal (offering a painting of a lover, being told it was a friend) is why I can't look at it. Because it makes me so angry at him. Too angry to speak. And it is easier to pretend something something isn't real, than being angry over something you can't control.

I want to say that I was told only a month ago that when he was with his other "fake girlfriends," he was thinking of me. When he was sleeping with them, he was imaging sleeping with me. I would remind her how easily he let her go the last time she found a boyfriend who only wanted her (and then be angry at myself for only saying that out of spite). And I would hope that it would make her question all the promises he's made her, and all the terms of endearment he says but never fully acts on.

But above all, I want her to know that I realize now that I will never win this game. That I spend too much time thinking about a man I love who so often times makes me utterly happy and other times makes me completely miserable. That I know he feels something more for her than he does me. Or at least, he says he does. And I want her to know that I thought all along that it was me he felt the greater affection for. I don't know which is true but I do know that it doesn't matter.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Lucky


You know what’s awesome? When your friends on Facebook are friends with famous people and those people are all commenting on their feeds and being real and funny and nice and you think- god, I am just so lucky to be a New Yorker and have such amazingly cool people in my life and to be alive in general.

goodnight

Thursday, January 26, 2012

It's Days Like These..

When I'm drunk and coming home from an office party and wishing I was coming home to climb into bed with you.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Another Dating Blog?

This is sort of a dating blog, isn't it? But I suppose that is because I've been single and of dating age for nearly the entire life of L.I.A. Anyway, I was chatting with Jill today and we half joked that we should start some sort of dating blog to keep track of all our misadventures and perhaps dispense some advice along the way. She came up with a rather grand list of post topics that I loved:

-          6 degrees of separation / internet stalking-- within 1 week i met two guys who were friends with (name withheld)

-          Karma -- Blowing people off / getting blown off

-          Flag chasing -- dating / hooking up with foreigners

-          Making the first move is fucking easy

-          Shitting where you eat – dating someone at work

-          Mystery undies – the moment where you realize you've brought too many people home because you found a pair of boxer briefs that you can not figure out who they belong to.

 Spoiler alert – you always throw them. away and don't ask around

-          Tiny penises – yes they exist, and yes they're an issue, and no it's not common

-          Always give compliments – a how-to guide to help men get more BJs

-          Give me a real headshot will you? – yeah, I pick who I'm going to go out with based almost purely on how your profile pics look.

 Sorry

-          Metamorphosis – watching your friends watch you go from "in a relationship" to "single" and how it changes their view of you

I had a single topic so far: Ghosts of makeouts past. About walking by or going to spots where you had great dates or made-out with people and constantly being haunted by them.

I think this is a best-seller, right?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

There is a First Time for Everything

Just want to make the mental note that today was the first day I have ever, officially, been stood-up. Now, I'm off to the movies with James.