Don't Do That

Wow, being clumped into the category of "girls...that I don’t wanna get pregnant." Feels just awful. Truly truly terrible. And reading it late at night on a public forum, even worse. I knew I shouldn't have clicked that link. I am a glutton for punishment.

For the record guy: I am not the girl who you lament over getting pregnant. I'm the girl who you rejoice over.

It kills me that for once, I actually liked nearly everything about the guy I was with and it had to be you. I liked your smile and your tousled hair. I liked the way you pursed your lips with a sly grin and nodded your head. I liked your humor and quick wit. I liked your shy nature and kindness. And I liked all those things before I even knew it was going to be more than it was which, just to let you know, it never had to be. But then when it was, I even liked you in bed.

Do you want to know something? Sometimes it takes all my effort not to hug the friend I am walking down the street with, I love them so much. I can't help that I end up caring greatly for the people in my life but sometimes, sometimes I wish I cared just a little bit less, then I assume I would get hurt a little bit less as well.

The Ellis Island Sticker

I am headed down to DC this weekend for Obama's inauguration. I didn't want to vote for Obama. I didn't want to vote for Obama because I love this country. In fact, I'm probably one of the most patriotic people you will meet. My family have fought in every war (except Vietnam) since the Civil. They travelled here from other lands where their people were being hunted, killed and persecuted and on these shores found a refuge and a home. In my parent's basement there is a large wooden chest with a faded and crumbling paper sticker that says Ellis Island. The handles aren't brass and there is no ornamentation, it is just plain solid wood, with cracked hinges and worn down feet. My great-great grandmother brought that chest over from Armenia all by herself, a young girl not even 16, with all her earthly possessions. A two week journey that must of had her nearly as frightened as when the Turks came. And now here I am, white, middle class and from the greatest city in the world. Can you not see why I would be proud and thankful?

I didn't want to vote for Obama, but in the end, I stood in the voting booth and had two choices- vote for my party, the Green party, or vote for Obama. Since here in America, my party can't quite muster up enough support to bring to the table a worthwhile candidate, I decided that all I really could do was pull the lever for Obama and hope. Hope that he'll really be the man everyone hopes he is and will actually have the courage to stand-up for what he believes is right...well, actually what I believe is right. I didn't want to vote for him because the good that I hope for this country is so much more than what he was promising.

On election night, after Obama's speech, I went out into the streets of Williamsburg to watch the celebrations. I was there on Bedford and N7th when the bongos were brought out and the police came. I admit, I felt a bit left out of all the elation. But despite that, I was still overcome with emotion and pride that my country could elect Obama, proud that we could be an example of diversity to the world. It was a big moment in this country's history and to be able to witness it was a big moment for me. So that is why I am going to Washington for the inauguration, to be a part of history in the flesh and to one day be able to tell my children- "yes, I was there, it was like this..."

The Best Job in the World

Have you seen this? They are calling it the best job in the world: http://www.islandreefjob.com/

SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.
The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.
In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of "a few minor tasks" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
The successful applicant, who will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.
"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.
"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."

6 months starting in July. Perfecting timing for me. Right after the Summer festival, right when I'll need a vacation the most. Plus an island to myself where I only have to write? Heaven. There is however some sort of requirement to dive and sail. Seeing as the last time I was on a sailboat I nearly fell off... I am having some slight doubts.

As if in a Dream

Looking at my Facebook profile just now, I wish I could jump back into that picture. I remember it was a little bit cloudy that day in Istanbul but warm. So perfectly warm with a soft wind blowing across the Andalars off the Balkan. The sea that day was filled with thousands of small jellyfish, the size of the palm of your hand. They floated like a bed stars and twinkled as they caught the sun. I was early for my ferry home and after sitting near the dock, waiting and watching the families throw sunflower seeds to the pigeons, I decided to walk along the dock to the water. I climbed down the crumbling cement walkway to a small ledge at the end and sat watching the water lap against the rocks. I took this picture all alone, facing out to a city I only ever dreamed of visiting. Later, I would board the crowded ferry bound for the city, two boys would give me a flower they picked on the island for me to press into my journal, I would buy a sesame ring from a man pushing a rickety wooden cart across ancient cobble stones with his son beside him as I walked home, the rings sticking up into the air on spikes. I'll go back to my hostel and sit out on the terrace watching the sun set over the water. Afterward, I'll climb the narrow staircase back to my room to write and read a Paolo Cohelo book a boy, a fellow traveller, gave me before I left on my journey. And the day will end as it always ends, with a sunset that will burn forever into my memory and the hauntingly beautiful calls to the day's last prayer that will burst across the shining domes of the city's mosques. A call that will sometimes invade my dreams.

All the Single Bloggers!

I just had a funny, potentially disastrous idea, a single bloggers mixer. I think it would be so incestuous and hilarious. My site could totally host something like that as well, we are both single and it's called The Music Slut. Enid's in Greenpoint would be the perfect location too and close to my apartment, hahaha.

Though, thinking about how the vast majority of men I've been somehow involved with are bloggers, maybe I need to branch out.

A Perfect Profile

A few years ago when I was considering writing something about online dating, I signed up for Nerve Personals. A few months ago when I was feeling sad about a guy LYING and not calling me, I updated my profile.

Ever since that initial sign-up, I have been receiving the newsletter with new matches to peruse. Today, one finally caught my attention so I clicked on their profile (actually, I forgot my password, had to look it up and input it a few times before I saw their profile. Geeze, honesty does not always make for fluid writing). And it was beautiful. Just like...Everything I would want to put in mine if I had actually thought to put it. It's so good that I really want to copy and paste it here for you to read, but I definitely won't do that, sorry.

I really want to message him to just say "hi, good job." I could do that I think.

I even liked his handle hi_im_dan (please no one go looking for that).

Ok, Ok, I Lied

Not lying with your actions is a hard rule to follow. Really hard. And Friday night, it made me really sad.

In case you haven't been following this blog, or don't know me personally, I hate confrontation. I actually physically shake when it needs to be done. That is one of the reasons I wanted to do this experiment, I hoped that it would force me to be honest with people how I feel. Last week I was hurt by something a friend said to me (and I don't believe he reads this so I swear I am not trying to be passive aggressive...Debbie) and have yet to talk to him about it. I saw my friend Friday and in an attempt to follow my rules, acted how I felt. Problem was, acting how I felt towards him made me feel even worse. Here's what I wrote earlier in the day about how I felt:

Well, the thing about last night was that he was friendly but I just
didn't know what to say. I acted cold and I hated it! I didn't have a
chance to get him alone to talk but that's what I really wanted to do.
Now I just feel bad for being unfriendly to someone I love. It makes
me intolerably sad.

So how did I lie if I was cold? Initially, I smiled at him. Is this really lying?

You Run From the Truth

Is it fair to avoid conversations in order to run from the truth? It feels like cheating, I'll tell you that much.

This evening, a car stopped me to ask directions. I told him and started to walk away but the guy called out and asked my name. "Jennifer" I said, then smiled, swiftly turned and headed down the street. I knew what the next question would be and one situation I discussed with my friends about this whole honesty thing was the unsolicited come-ons which I tend to answer with "I have a boyfriend." I'm going to have to tell the truth. I still haven't come up with a line for that. Maybe just a simple, "I'm sorry, no" would suffice. Experience tells me though that no, it won't be that simple. The last guy who asked me to dinner and I told that to said, "Well, how about lunch?"

Maybe I'll just pretend I am mute.

Oh Dustin Hoffman is on Leno and just said his New Year's resolution was to be more truthful! Must pay attention...

You Lie With Silence

Yesterday I was lied to with silence. It felt odd, especially in the midst of this experiment. It wasn't a big deal, I get the silence, sometimes you just want to keep things to yourself, I'm not mad but still made me feel not so great, being kept in the dark on purpose. It made me understand even more why Lying With Silence is in the guidelines.

In college, I was home for Winter break and my friend Debbie wanted to go see the second Lord of the Rings with me. I hadn't seen it and she had seen it at school and loved it so I said I would. Problem was, my family whom were visiting for the holidays decided we should all go see it together as well. Instead of disappointing either one, I just decided to keep quiet and see it twice to make them both happy (I used to have a problem with trying to make people happy, not so much anymore). Problem was, I told no one of my plan and my cousin blabbed it to Debbie and I tried to hide that I had seen it but then made things worse and had to confess. I hid it from Debbie when I should have fessed up. I think she would have gotten over seeing it a second time in the theater with me, though I do recall her being awfully excited. She was sort of a fanatic.

I wonder if I am Lying With Silence right now by not telling Brook why I am not speaking to him. Maybe he is wondering and I am keeping it from him. Though I think he should probably know why. I will most likely see him Tuesday, we'll see if I can avoid Lying With My Actions.

The 5 Borough Beer Crawl

December 20th, The epic 5 Borough Beer Crawl

Photos courtesy of Kramer from bar 3 in Long Island City, Queens

Sea
Jill
Deb
Jason
Me
Ryan
Kramer
The Italians, Ana and Claudio

Brook (argh, I wish I wasn't so mad at you right now!)
I love this picture
Jaimie
Group shot! I insisted we take this and it came out beautifully.

Here was our itinerary that Kramer made us:
2:45pm: Meet at Staten Island Ferry Terminal in lower Manhattan
3:00pm: Ferry to Staten Island (beers are available onboard)
3:30pm: Bar #1 – Jimmie Steiny’s at Baker Square
3 Hyatt Street, St. George, Staten Island
5:15pm: Leave bar, head to ferry terminal
5:30pm: Ferry back to Manhattan (more beers)
6:00pm: Subway to Williamsburg, Brooklyn
(4,5 at Bowling Green, transfer to L at Union Square, L to Lorimer)
6:45pm: Bar #2 – Alligator Lounge
600 Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn
8:00pm: Subway to Long Island City, Queens
(G train at Metropolitan to 21st Steet.)
8:30pm: Bar #3 – LIC Bar
45-58 Vernon Blvd, Long Island City
10:00pm: Subway to The Bronx
(7 train at 45th Road/Court House Sq., transfer at Grand Central, 4, 5 to Bronx)
10:45pm: Bar #4 – Glackens Bar and Grill
135 E 149th St, Bronx
12:00am: Subway to Manhattan (2, 4, or 5 train)

Catching the ferry was fun and we were all in a good mood despite the freezing cold. Jason and Deb brought PBRs for the ride and I had my flask tucked into my pocket. The area around the ferry on Staten Island was really pretty and once inside the bar, we played a counting drinking game that had me very nervous (you had to start saying a rhyme before someone called your number, which changed depending on where the person calling the number sat).

Next was my hood, Brooklyn. Alligator Lounge was an excellent choice, cheap beer and free pizza.

In fact, all was going well and was a whole hell of a lot of fun until we hit the Bronx. I knew as soon as I walked into the bar that I was in trouble. I have a knack for attracting a certain type of guy and this place was wall to wall with them. My downfall was when Kramer's work friend started talking to this big guy at the bar and she called me over to them saying that he wanted to speak with me. He was apparently asking about me. And then that's it. For almost the next hour I was stuck with him and sometimes, men don't accept the whole "I have a boyfriend" line. I got away once and said we had to go but then the guy found me again. I was so upset, that when we got back into the subway, I cried on the platform. It bothered me for days and one night I couldn't fall asleep thinking about it and decided to write the below note on facebook about. It helps me sometimes to just get things in writing.

In the future please be aware that a large middle aged thug with an enormous piece of bling slung around their neck leaning and leering over me whilst we are in dangerous part of the Bronx in a sketchy bar is NOT an ok situation for me to be in. I will NEVER be alright with this. And if I need to squeeze you and whisper that we must go immediately, please take note THIS IS NOT A DRILL, I NEED HELP.

I will stay out with you until dawn, I will bar hop with you until I have blisters, I will fling myself down a mountain with you, I will cling for dear life to the edge of a ship praying I don't fall off with you and all alone, I will get on a bus travelling across two countries smuggling goods to Turkey- please remember these things next time I request that we leave somewhere and know that the situation must be pretty fucking bad if I have to ask.

That's all I'm going to say.

I didn't mean to slight Kramer, it wasn't her fault the bar she chose ended up to not be such a good choice for me, but she took it that way and for that I'm sorry. We're over it now though, water under the 59th St. bridge.

Needless to say, it put a damper on the last Manhattan bar for me, Aces and Eights, not my favourite bar in the city anyway for its crowds of ridiculous kids fresh out of college and missing their days getting groped at frat parties. I left about a half hour after we arrived, feeling bummed and exhausted. But honestly, it was a good day and Kramer did an awesome job wrangling 15 people around the boroughs.

More K&G Wedding

More pictures from Kristin and Greg's wedding courtesy of Debbie

Kristin getting ready at home with Tara doing up the last of her dress
So pretty

Poetic mirror shots
Everyone so pretty.
And then I come in with curlers.
A blustery day walking down the aisle at Sunken Meadow.
Karen and Uncle Rob.


Oh man, I could cry all over again.

The vows killed me, I was, as Happy and Sea like to call me, "a hot mess."

The first dance.

Debbie and Sea, gorgeous.
Me telling people to mangia or something.
Family pictures outside.

My Jew boo and Asian boo

Me with cousin Alex, Ryan and Deb, headed home.
The morning after. At the Hilton on LI for brunch.
We know what you did last night.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Day 5 (sort of 6 since I started midnight on New Year's Eve)

Is it strange that having to be honest all the time is freeing instead of restricting? I thought that being compulsed to tell the truth in everything would be a hinderance on how I lived, and granted it has only been 5 days, but so far it has made it easier. I have no choice but to say exactly what I mean and how I feel, there is no internal debate on if I should keep something inside or not tell the whole truth. Friday though, I had my first hurdle...

Friday afternoon a friend im'ed me to discuss someone they had hooked up with a few weeks before. My friend blatantly asked if I knew anything about the situation and at first I lied and said only that I knew they hooked up. It was my first lie in days and it immediately made me feel terrible. I just lied for the first time in three days and it was to a friend I loved. What a jerk. But here is where telling the truth gets tricky, by telling my friend the truth, I would then be betraying the trust of a second friend who told me about the whole situation in the first place. What to do? I decided to come clean. I told my friend I lied, I knew that they had emailed the person they hooked up with as well (leaving out the part that I knew what was said in the emails, that was ok wasn't it?). Confessing felt great! But later on in the conversation it became clear that I would need to reveal the little part about how I knew what was in the emails as well. Shit. And once I did my friend immediately exclaimed, "You lied! I'm so mad at you!" Double shit.

Was it wrong to betray my friend's trust because I couldn't lie? Yes, I think it was. But if I am going to do this right then I need to keep to the rules. Anyway, the way I see it, people really shouldn't be talking behind other people's backs to begin with and it bothered me to do so in the first place.

I told this story to a group of friends out later that evening. We talked (and argued) for a long time about the situation and in the end decided that a set of guidelines needs to be drawn up if I am to do this correctly. It has taken a few days for those guidelines to emerge and I think that as the days go on, more will be added but the few that we came up with that evening I think are a really good way to start off.

1. Honesty does not equal constantly Confessing. This experiment is about being honest with myself and others, not confessing to people every thought or mistakes from my past such as "I always hated that blouse," "You chew too loudly," "I stole a sweater when I was 16," "I just farted," etc. This is not confession, I will not be doing 50 hail Marys.

2. You Lie with Silence. What is lying with silence? Remember that time you went out to the bar with your girlfriends and you let that guy kiss you even though you had a boyfriend at home and when your boyfriend asked you how your night was you conveniently forget the part about how you slipped that stranger a little tongue in the back booth? Yeah, then. Keeping something in is sometimes just as bad as lying and we all know it.

3. You Lie with your Actions. This one goes a little hand in hand with 2 though does not have to go so far as to confess. Example: There is a person in your group of friends whom you dislike. You pretend to like her though because...well because it just seems easier even though she annoys you. By pretending to like her, you are lying with your actions. You do not have to go so far as to CONFESS but no pretending. If she ends up confronting you then you must not lie. This also swings the opposite way. If there is someone you like maybe more than a friend and you are constantly pretending around them, no more! Time to act how you really feel.

4. Sarcasm is Not Lying. Because it is funny.

There are a few loopholes to being honest that make for a better human interaction. Like I could have told my friend in the beginning story that I knew more but that it was told to me in confidence so I can't say anything else. Or you can be honest by honestly telling someone that you rather not tell them something.

So there you go! Let the experiment continue. Just be warned. If you ask for my opinion in the next, oh 100 days or so, I may just give it.

Taking Stock of 2008

Marriages: 4
Engagements: 5
Births: 3 (and 1 on the way)
Babies named after musicians: 3
Deaths: 4
Floods: 4
Flights: 8
Beers consumed: countless
Tantrums: 2...at least
Times interviewed: 5
Times sick: 2
Times I was worried I had cancer: 1
Moves: 1
Twitters: 809
Shows produced: 11
Trips to the Cabin: 2
Times hit in the face with a volleyball: 2
Times Brokenhearted: 2
Ceildhs danced: 4
Celebs I Almost Killed: 1 (sorry Bernadette Peters, look before you cross)
Trips to the Zoo: 1

I began 2008 with tears and therefore was determined to end it with laughter. Last night, instead of going out to the big final show at The Knitting Factory, I went over to a friend's apartment in Cobble Hill, drank champagne and played Rock Band with a room full of friends that made me feel truly blessed and had one of the best New Year's Eves I've ever had. 2008 has been a harsh bird. Though there were many times filled with infinite happiness, this year I shed more tears than I would like to remember. There were deaths in the family, there were unexplained and frightening illnesses, and most of all there have been men- the one who broke your heart without knowing it, the one who broke your heart and should have known it, and the one who you wish more than anything would have called when he said he would because you lost an awesome friendship and a surprising lover all at once when he didn't.

There were also spectacular moments of happy, shiny joy like my trip to Scotland for Crawford's wedding (which included an amazing week long romp in London, nights spent in Crawfy's parent's cozy Edinburgh home laughing around the table, a beautiful little house on the bank of The Ness with all my far flung friends, and then one of the most fun parties I have been to ever), the birth of Daniella's baby, days spent running around SXSW with Bryan, Matt and Kramer, being silly in the Music Hall green room during After the Jump Fest, my sister's wedding, dancing with Matt and Debbie at Trash Bar on Morrissey's birthday, and moving in with one of my best friends in the world.

For 2009 I don't have resolutions, I have hopes. Hopes for love, for friendship, for creating happiness and for being more honest. On that final note, last night I decided to start an experiment in honesty. It's an idea I've had for a while and last night I decided there was no time like the present to begin. For at least 100 days (if not the year) I vow to be honest in everything, from what I want for dinner to "hey, I like you." The whole spectrum of little white lies you tell on a daily basis to the big lies you tell to protect yourself or others. It may end very badly, it may be incredible but whatever the outcome, it will be pretty darn interesting. I like the idea of having a goal, I like that this will be a memorable start and finish to a year, a way to better remember it, and I like that for the times I wish I had said something, this year I can no longer have that regret.

Last night after midnight, the experiment began. More on that later. For now, Happy New Year friends.